She also shares this story on her blog if you want to visit there too!
I have always been hard to love. I can securely admit that. I’ve struggled my whole life carrying around a stony heart. It pretty much goes back to me always feeling like “second pick” (my middle name is Leah). Every time I would read about Leah, Jacob and Rachel I would totally side with Leah, because she was me. I’ve never felt beautiful, but all I’ve ever wanted was to be captivating to someone (doesn’t every girl?) But somewhere along the way, I “realized” that I would never be beautiful enough to completely capture anyone’s attention. So, I resolved to give but to never hope for much in return.
So, I poured myself out in worship over and over again, always feeling unspeakable love for Him, but never really letting His love invade the deep realities of my heart. But even though I had trouble feeling Him respond to my worship, I knew He was faithful. I knew that He was trying, but that I wouldn’t let my heart feel him. So, in faith, I kept worshiping over and over again, knowing that one day I would live in the fruit of that outpouring.
Two weeks ago I finally decided to order my flags. Leaving the decision up to God as to what colors they would be was VERY hard for me. I’m all about some color and I remember begging Him, “ANY COLORS BUT THESE, PLEASE!” But I took the leap. I came in to work yesterday and there the package was on my desk. “!!!!” “What colors can they be??” I tore into the package. Wow they were breath-taking. They weren’t colors that I would have picked for myself, (imagine that) put they were perfect. I took my lunch break to go home and worship.
God ruined me in that moment with the contents of the letter. While I was letting Him choose the perfect flags I could bless Him with, He turned it around and chose the perfect flags to bless me with! Since when did I deserve to be loved? How could He spend the time I dedicated to Him raining compliments down on me? Since when was anything in this relationship about me? And He whispered into the depths of my heart all the things I thought I would never hear:
“It’s always been about you! I’ve always loved you! I’ve always given everything to be with you. I gave my life for you. You are perfect. Your beauty is flawless!”
Tears happened, yes they did. I remember thinking, “These flags are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” He said,
“YOU are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I cannot turn my eyes from you.”
And I broke. My stony heart shattered into pieces as He spoke love into my spirit. A heart of flesh beats inside of me and I can feel Him! I am beautiful! I’m flawless.
Waves of peace just kept breaking over me. While driving back to work, sitting at my desk, putting in pharmaceutical orders, I was being romanced. My skin felt like I had danced in the moonlight as the dew fell, I kept smelling a sweet aroma and my mouth was absolutely watering. I have no explanation for this and I know it sounds crazy but it’s the truth. The peace really is indescribable. I’ve tried for an explanation of it, but this is as close as I can come to articulating it:
I’m in the arms of my first love. My true love. The one I was made to want. I’m resting peacefully in His arms, drinking in the precious moment. He leans down and whispers into my ear everything I’ve ever wanted to hear. He is captivated by me, I am His everything, He would do anything in pursuit of me and He would give His life for me. Now, I am peaceful. Now, I KNOW nothing can come between me and Him. There is nothing that can harm me in His arms and everything is right with the world. Perfect, blissful peace.
He is the one who is pursuing you in this relationship. Don’t miss the chance to encounter His over-whelming love, because it really will wreck your world. In a good way!
The first song is “Sweet Melody” from the album “Dream: A Release Into Creative Dreaming” by Josh Albillo and the second song is “Meant to Live” by Switchfoot. The second song was unplanned by her, but we know Father wasn’t shocked 😉
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