Since two of you pinged me within 5 minutes of each other, I figured I’d better go ahead and send an update! And please forgive me because this is another raw Meghan-focused post. It is so difficult for me to be honest about this because historically I help everyone else in their messiness, but when I need help either no one is there or willing, or they are too busy one-up’ing me to be helpful. This taught me it’s not safe to need others to help me, which is of course not true and not good, but my heart struggles with it nonetheless.
It’s become clear to me that God has Allen in such great shape emotionally because it’s my turn to be a mess. I feel God dredging up stuff long-since buried and frankly it hurts. And it’s frustrating because I feel like I should be “over” these things by now. For those who know my testimony, you know that when I was a heathen, I was equally as passionate about that as I am now about being holy. So I used and abused and allowed myself to be used and abused and the fact is those things take a toll.
What I sense Him showing me is that it’s not ok with Him that I allow myself to just be a willing vessel – yes He wants to bless others through me, but not at the cost of me. He doesn’t want to “use” me; He wants me to be completely healed. I also think part of the hold up on the book is because there’s parts that can’t be told because they haven’t fully been dealt with. Additionally, I believe these root issues are ones that have to be dealt with for me to be successful in efforts to get healthy.
So, without getting into details on the hows and whys – these are the main things I tend to struggle with and would appreciate your targeting in prayer as you feel led.
- Rejection/abandonment/always being second choice
- Self-hatred
- Perfectionism/Love based on performance/striving
This ties in with a word I got from my pastor earlier this month (and frankly some of the other recent raw posts I think were me avoiding dealing with this stuff, but God’s made it clear He’s not gonna let me stuff it again). This is an excerpt from the journal entry I did right afterward:
He (Jim Staley – my pastor) said there are things that were ok in the previous season that are not ok now. These are tender areas and not quick fixes. He said he thought he’d be praying for breakthrough but he said this the GOD causing this feeling of unsettling. Because I’m in transition.
There’s more that He has for me and it’s time to allow my frequency to be shifted. He has me in a cocoon. I need to embrace the process. If it means sit and soak, be on the back row, whatever – embrace it!
He said it’s like I’m in God’s fist and He’s squeezing – of course it’s uncomfortable! But don’t stop. The call on my life is clear. Embrace the process and let Him take me to the next level.
Thank you all as always for your faithfulness in prayer – I feel completely unworthy, but am eternally grateful.
You WILL make it through this transition. I’m praying for and supporting you all the way.
Love you,
Allen (The Most Hubby One)
Aw I was just going to say the same and with a hubby cheering you on you can’t fail! “For the joy set before him” keeps running thru my head. From The Message Hebrews 12: Strip down, start running- never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. …..he never lost sight of where he was headed…” . Holy Spirit, I trust you will be with and covering Meghan every step of the way and I ask that you comfort her as she walks through this process.
Meghan, thanks for sharing your “messy” yet again. It brings us all back to a state of reality and where we can realize we are not god and He is!!!
You are truly blessed to have a husband that will support you in all things!
You are in my prayers always!
Love & Blessings!
Elaine
Precious sister, led to pray for you two nights ago. Heard: “Keep going, keep going.” since a deep pruning, and it ain’t like getting your nails or hair cut: it HURTS now but the fruit that will sprout and bloom will weigh heavily upon the tree. Almighty Abba Father is the Vinedresser. He is the one with the sheers (sp?). Trust Him all the way. The scripture that comes to mind is:
Psalms 26:2 “Examine me, O LORD, and test me! Evaluate my inner thoughts and motives!” And of course John 15:)
You have done nothing wrong. You are and remain in the will of God, in His hand and His gaze is continually upon you. He is radiant in His ever living look of love in His eyes, as He looks upon you. He has hidden some things from you and you will start to see His plans unfolding.
Sense Him speaking: “Yes, daughter, the weight is coming off and the wait is coming to an end. See what happens when you cast all your cares upon me. See Me. Feel Me. Know that I AM, I AM. I desire much and demand even more from My bride. New Season, New Season, New Season. Emerge unblemished and unhindered. My Son is ever with you. I send My Spirit to strengthen and refreshen you. Amen.”
Thank You, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. I praise You, Messiah Jesus, Yeshua HaMashiach. Anointed One, You are amazingly awesome. Awe us with Your power.
Isa 43:1-3 “But now, thus says the LORD, who created you, O Jacob, And He who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called [you] by your name; You [are] Mine. When you pass through the waters, I [will be] with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the holy one of Israel, your Savior.” And of course Psalm 139 (the whole thing). With a God who knows you so well, you are safe in His hand, even if you are being squeezed, rest assured, you will not pop. (Now there’s a picture. :/ )
You are stronger than you think and loved beyond measure.
Praying.
Amen to everything my sisters have posted!
As I re-read this morning about the being squeezed part….it’s like a sponge being wrung out to get rid of all the excess/remnants of things no longer needed. Lord, I pray that you empty all of us of ourselves and empty us of anything that is not of you….Then Lord, fill us to overflowing with all that YOU are.
Part of Donelda”s verse she quoted read, “through the rivers, they shall not overflow you” Another thing that I have been working through with Abba has been the feeling of being overwhelmed. I had read several Psalms about rescuing me from the depths….so I ended up talking to Abba about water. Interesting that sometimes we feel like we are drowning in the water or being overwhelmed by it. He showed me that I just needed to stop frantically preventing myself from sinking, and that I needed to stop trying to “tread water.” It was all me trying to get myself out of the situation. What He told me to do was lay back and learn to float on my back..almost as if I was resting on a raft in a pool. (but He was the one upholding me…) Any other attempts other than leaning back and resting on/in Him were we striving against Him…which is what happens whenever I feel like I am stuck in the waves or the rapids. Hoping one of you can relates to this or helps you…….it’s just part of what I have working /walking through….
Thank you for Meghan and for sustaining her and upholding her. We trust you and give you all the glory because we know your plans for her and us are always good and ones that will prosper us and not harm us in Jesus’ name, Amen!
@Christine – Oh good heavens, it’s the exact example my pastor gave me. But here’s what I said to him, when you think you’re going to drown survival kicks in – it’s reflex – how do you get yourself to stop when you think in stopping you will die? That’s how it feels. I don’t know HOW to stop. I’d love to oblige the Lord!!! But have no idea how to stop a process so deeply ingrained. SURELY He must have a way to get me through that…
And thank yous to for all the posts – I seriously appreciate you all covering me in prayer!